all images, © Nicki Ault
I just got myself a cafe mocha, my boys are watching the football game (go Riders) and now I am going to elaborate on my last post.
I have gone through a year of growth in several ways, many of which are art related. I am consciously and actively working at getting my art and my name (in relation to my art) "out there", but I have so much to learn that at times I am overwhelmed. That niggling feeling of self doubt creeps in and whacks me over the head when I least expect it! That is what happened to me recently. Usually it happens when I read something or have a conversation that causes me to call into question my choices, ideas or intentions. Don't get me wrong- it actually isn't a bad thing to go through this once in a while because hopefully I either end up stronger in my convictions or realize I need to make an adjustment. The problem is that these self-examination periods usually start with a plunge in confidence; with me feeling like I've put the cart before the horse and should paint like a
real artist with
real training and
real skills and
real vision before putting myself "out there"... sigh... yes, I find this mind-set exhausting, too. I am coming to realize that there are many artists, writers, musicians who are worried about being "found out"; that they are a sham and no one has figured it out yet. Which of course they are not. After the initial panic at the start of these self-examination periods, I calm down and try to gain perspective. It's a time to sort out what I actually believe; to sort out the facts from the opinions. Once that is done, with any luck, I have grown and can move forward.
So about two weeks ago I followed a link to a blog that I have looked at before, but hadn't visited in awhile. It is the blog of a very knowledgeable and successful artist,
Stapleton Kearns. On his blog he shares a great deal of experience, discusses work he admires, answers questions of his readers, etc. He is extremely generous in sharing what he knows, and you can't say that about all artists. I came across his post
"A Tool For Smuggling Red" and
whack! self doubt right upside the head! He knows colour theory inside and out and when he talked about not wanting chartreuse in his paintings I thought, "Well, that's it for me! I'm out!" For several days after reading that post I kept thinking how much Stapleton Kearns would hate my work. It really bothered me. I love chartreuse (as you can tell by the above paintings). Then I decided to re-examine his post and I realized for the most part I agree with what he says, I just happen to think this bright yellow-green colour is A-OK to put in my paintings. It's there in nature- especially in the sunlit moss beds of the Boreal forest. I want to incorporate it because it tells part of the story. In fact, often it's the reason I
am telling the story in the first place. I think chartreuse is a glorious, joyful colour.
Upon reading Mr. Kearns' post again I realized he was talking about
his opinion of what
he wants in
his paintings and not stating a fact. He doesn't know me from a hole in the ground and so, although his words hit me personally, they were certainly not directed at me. However, if he actually saw my paintings he just might direct them towards me, and that is where my self confidence button got pushed. He says,
"Sometimes I want my paintings to be the color of 500 dollar suits. High key lemon greens are not something I would want in my suits". I get that- I wouldn't want my husband to show up wearing a chartreuse suit, however, if he wore a classy black suit with a chartreuse handkerchief poking out of the pocket I would think he was smokin' hot! And therein lies the difference between me and Stape!
This is where the growth comes in after a period of self doubt. I have shifted my mind-set because the reality is I
am an artist. I have real training. Maybe not a degree, but still, real training from excellent teachers. I have real skills and I have a vision for my own art. Will it appeal to everyone. Nope. Is that okay? Yup. Do I want to paint like anyone but me? Nope. (Well, maybe Tom Thomson). Am I done learning? Nope, not even close. In fact, I am excited to see what I will learn with the next painting. I have re-written my blog profile to reflect this growth. I am hoping that by sharing my insecurities I haven't come across as unprofessional. I hope you will take my words for what they are; the sharing of this leg of my journey. Maybe you will even be able to relate in some way. The real growth here is that in the future I am going to try to be kinder to myself. I don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore.
P.S. The Riders won!
